B.a.Dops: Wal-Mart - Part Quatros

Before the story continues, here's something to help out you tards who don't watch 24. Meet the greatest man alive besides myself.

This is Jack Bauer. He would kill a puppy if it threatened national security.

* Begin Scene*

* Scene fades in on Counter Terrorist Unit, Los Angeles. Jack Bauer walks into the building's main room. *

Jack: How's everybody doing today?!?!

* Everyone stops and looks up, surprised. *

Jack: Sorry, I started yelling at the start of the episode for no reason in a situation that requires nothing tense at all. Boy, is my face red. Bill, you wanted to see me?

Bill Buchanan: Yeah. Jack, we have a problem in Arkensas. It appears that a group of Canadians are going to take action against Wal-Mart. The U.S. has been afraid to go after them for years, but with these Canadians behind us, we may have a chance.

Jack: Why do three Canadians going against them signify that we have a chance that we never had before? And why have I never been notified that Wal-Mart was a threat to national security?

Bill: Well, it's been a busy few years for us. The leader of the operation is a man named B.a.D. He is flanked by his friends Mizzle and P.c.P. You need to get to Arkensas and help them put an end to these bastards.

Jack: ... Wal-Mart? I got called in from dinner to go after a bargain store? Dammit Bill, I never get to eat around here!!! It's run around, save my daughter, shoot people, get electrocuted, save the president, fake my own death, save my daughter, torture someone, save the president, while still managing to find time to mainain this great haircut, and I never get to sit down for a sandwich!!! Now I finally get some downtime, and you want me to go after Wal-Mart!?!?

Bill: We'll let you team up with an attractive blonde.

Jack: Secure the perimeter!!!!!

Bill: ... *eyebrow raises*

Chloe: *whispering to Bill* He does that whenever he's excited. Just tune it out.

Jack: ... OK, I'm sold. Chloe, even though I'm pretty damn sure you want me, and the only reason you still work here is to be around me, I find you odd and alienating. So you're going to go to Wal-Mart undercover with Curtis, and be my phone support, while I cavort around with a more conventional hottie. And Curtis, I need you to start being more subservient so people stop perceiving you as the other hero of this show who could possibly steal my spotlight. I don't like this "BlackJack" moniker people are tagging you with these days.

Curtis: Yes, sir.

Jack: More subsurvient. Think slavery subservient.

Curtis: Yis suh. Lak dis?

Jack: Perfect. Now mop the floor.

* Chloe sulks, Curtis starts mopping the floor, and Jack walks over to Edgar. *

Edgar: *munch munch* Jack, we've got aie thupport waiting. Ow intelligenthe thays that they is an ambush waitig fo B.a.D and the others in Awkenthaw. You need to jump in and thave them, then join them on thei way to finish off Wal-Maat.

Jack: God, your speech impetiment pisses me off, Edgar. I know I'm supposed to be the politically correct hero here, but God Allmighty. And you do realize this is a major step down from stopping Islamic terrorists from bombing a hundred nuclear power plants at once, right? Couldn't you have gotten some new kid to do this job, while I run off and save the pope from ninja's?

Bill: Jack... you're... actually... the only field guy we have. Everyone else here is pretty much chained to a computer, except me. I'm chained to my office.

Jack: That would explain why I haven't slept in five years. Dammit!!! Fine, I guess I should head out. I'm off to save B.a.D and his friends, and become the main focal point of this episode while the rest of you will be lucky to get two lines in. While I'm gone, expand the perimeter!!! I want it wide!!! Wide!!!


* Fade out to a dirt road in Arkensas. B.a.D, P.c.P, and Mizzle are walking down the road. Jack hides in the bushes and takes out his cell phone. *

Jack: *dialing* Amazing how my cell phone never runs out of batteries or fails to get a signal. I hope Chloe or Curtis can get a signal in Wal-Mart.

Curtis: *answers his cell phone while tounge waxing Chloe's car* Ol’ man riverrrrrr, dat ol’ man *slurp* riverrrrrrr, must know somethin’, but don’t say nothin. *slurp* He just keeps rollin’, he just keeps rollin’ alooooooong…I hope Miss Chloe don’ mind peanut butta on her car. Dat stuff’s sticky ‘n hard to get off ma tongue. Though not quite as salty as ma fried chicken, I mus’ say. Ah well, back to work *slurp*…swing lowwwwwww, sweet chariot, come forth to...

Jack: I immediately regret this character repositioning. Curtis, where's Chloe?

Curtis: Here you go, suh.

Chloe: How's your conventional hottie doing in the field?

Jack: She got mad when I shouted. And she kept trying to talk. Or whatever. She wouldn't shut up and be pretty. She kept trying to get depth or something, and we all know I have problems with depth above all else. I parachuted off the plane and blew it up with her in it.

Chloe: Why?

Jack: There may have been an Arab guy on board, I honestly don't pay too much attention anymore. Listen, I think I've tracked down B.a.D and his friends, I just wanted to get a status report from you before I go in because of my insatiable need to be on top of every situation. What's going on there at Wal-Mart?

Chloe: Actually, Jack... we kind of left Wal-Mart already. B.a.D was right, it's fuckin' atrocious. We went to a little "I Love The 80's store" down the street instead! Remember Rubik's Cube, Jack?

Jack: Son of a bitch. Chloe, I need status reports because I need to be on top of every situation! And I already tried figuring out the Rubik's Cube years ago, and when it forced me to sit still long enough to make me think of all my grisly killings, I gave up and shot Rubik himself in the kneecap! So get me a status report!!!

Chloe: All right, Jack! Gosh.

Jack: Close that perimeter!!! I want it tight!!!

* Scene shifts to B.a.D, Mizzle, & P.c.P walking down the road. *

You know, P.c.P, I really think you should be showing me more respect. I can do my own posts, you're still just a guest star. I could use you in any post I want and do anything to you. How would you like me to make your life a living hell?

Gosh Mizzle, I'm just not ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?

Shut up. I eat peices of shit like you for breakfast.

You eat peices of shit for breakfast?

No!

All right, that's enough. Mizzle, stop starting fights. P.c.P, stop aggrivating Mizzle. He has an anger problem.

No he doesn't, he just says that to scare people.

* Quick Flashback to Mizzle in therapy *

Therapist: You are angry.

I'm not angry. Except when you keep repeating, "You're angry." That shit's just plain fuckin' annoying. That's like a motherfucking... gnat at a barbeque. Just... just buzzin' around, just buggin' the fuck out of me.

Therapist: That's it. Let it out. Repeat after me. "I am angry. It's OK. I'll process my anger... deep breath in, deep breath out... whoooooooshah..."

I don't know what the fuck you're talkin' about.

Therapist: Yes, you do know what the fuck I'm talking about.

* End Flashback, return to scene. *

Shut the fuck up, pinky. My teen angst bullshit has a body count.

All right, that's enough. We're almost there.

* Jack leaps out from the bushes and points a gun at all three of them. *

Jack: What is your primary objective?

Who the hell are you?

Jack: *points gun directly at P.c.P* What is your primary objective?!?!

Ahhh! We're going to take down Wal-Mart!!!

?!?! What the hell? Why did you tell him?

He had a gun at my head!

Jack: Quiet. That's what I thought. My name is Jack Bauer, I'm a federal agent with C.T.U. Los Angeles. I'm here to help.

Shit man, you could have asked.

Jack: Jack doesn't ask, Jack yells. Let's go.

Hey ass, this is our mission. Ever hear of asking?

Jack: No.

* Jack takes out gun and shoots P.c.P in the ass, P.c.P falls to the ground. *

Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! What the hell, man?!?!?!

Jesus.

Wow, I like this guy already.

P.c.P, are you allright?

Jack: He's fine.

He shot me in the ass.

Ha ha ha... don't worry Jack, he's taken lots of hits there.

Jack: Sick. We don't deal with homosexuality in Jack's world, Mizzle. It doesn't exist. Got it?

... yes sir.

I'm fine, by the way...

That's enough. What do we do now? Do we stop and go back?

Jack: We secure the perimeter!!!

...

...

... um... what?

Jack: I mean... uh... we don't stop for anything, son. We don't stop when our mistresses kill our wives. We don't stop when we've been electrocuted to clinical death. We don't stop when we get addicated to heroin, we don't stop even after faking our own death, so we sure as hell don't stop after a friend gets shot in the ass.

... and frankly, your concern is getting emberassing...

I guess we have no choice... P.c.P, we'll B.a.Dfax our informant at the cave and get them to make sure you get back to the B.a.Dcave... we have to move on.

Jack: Understood. You'll be fine, P.c.P, don't worry. All right, let's go! Secure that perimeter! I want it secure... secure!!!

...

What!

Ever!!!


* End Scene *



B.a.D, Mizzle, and their newfound friend Jack Bauer are going into the heart of Wal-Mart a man short...

Will they find out why Wal-Mart is trying to destroy the Canadian economy, and can they still take down the evil corporation?

Stay tuned...