My Afternoon With Bush (Introducing G.g.B)

Everybody is telling me what a good addition P.c.P has made to the crew here on B.a.D LiveJournal. Of course, being the only guest star is too much for one little purple person, so I decided to add another crew member.

Speculation has run high. But here we go... Introducing the one, the only... President Of The United States, Green GeorgeBush, also known as G.g.B. His contributions will be in green.

I've decided to welcome him to the lineup by granting him an interview with yours truly.

Funny, I don't remember getting my own interview when I came on board.

We're you ever President of the United States, P.c.P?

Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't.

I find your response indeterminant, ignorant and without merit. Plus, you've been a cocky little bastard for a couple months now. Away with you.



g.G.W, I'd like to thank you for taking this time to talk with me.

Son, it's a pleasure to be here. So you're a Canadian, eh? Heh heh heh, that was a pretty good joke.

Edgy racial humor, right off the bat. I like it.

In all honesty, I had to come up here anyways. I found a Canadian quarter yesterday and they told me I have to come to Canadia to spend it.

Yeah, you should be able to get some good penny candy.

If we we're in America, I'd be able to get half penny candy! Ha! Did you hear that, Dick? I zung him good!

Who are you talking to?

Dick Cheney, my vice president!

I know who he is, but that's not him.

Son, are you trying to say that I don't know Dick Cheney when I see him?

Certainly not. I'm just stating that you think that a framed photograph of Jimmy from The O.C. is Dick Cheney.

... you say potato, I say Dick Cheney.

I understand. So how does it feel to be labelled by most of the world and half of your own country as one of the worst president's ever?

I think I'm just one of them misunderstood geniuses, son. I'm ahead of my time. When you think about it, we're The Beatles popular when they we're alive? Did Star Wars make any money when it was in the theatre? Was The Cosby Show popular before it went into reruns?

The answer to every single one of those questions is an emphatic yes.

Oh. Say, wanna rape Colin Powel?

No thanks.

It's a real good relationship we have, me and him. I'm like the father Colin Powel never had.

But he did have a father.

Sorry, let me rephrase that. I'm like the father Colin Powel never had.

That's the exact same statement.

I wasn't finished! I meant like the father who had a real warm welcome wagon ready for him when he first came to work for me, if you know what I mean. I drove my steer right through that boys farm, if you know what I mean.

Yeah. I know you mean.

Yes sir. Me and Dick Cheney we're sure pounding his ass, if you know what I mean.

I get it. Thank you.

I sure did anally violate that negro in the shower, if you know what I mean.

Graphic.

No, I don't draw, but thanks anyways. So listen, why is it that Canadian shopkeepers don't like me?

Beats me. Could be that we don't feel safe being located above the most hated country in the world. That did happen under only your leadership.

Or maybe it's becuase the only payment I offer them is in the form of rape dollars.

That's how F.C.L. compensates Co-op.

Oh yeah? You sure are a nice host, if you know what I mean. I appreciate you adding me to the lineup. I think I'm going to enjoy being on this LiveJournal.

Think again.

I don't think twice, son. That's for city boys like John Kerry.

I see. So you still have a beef with Kerry?

See, that's the thing. I don't think Kerry even eats beef. Don't mess with Texas!

Indeed.

He changed his mind!

Calm down.

...

Why are you pinching your own nipples?

I do this when I'm nervous.

That explains why you looked like you we're in so much pain during that first debate with Kerry.

The doctor said I came this close to milking myself!

Well, you did come out the winner of the election. Although there was a lot of turmoil about that.

I think people just hate it when a black man is successful.

You're black?

I was born in Conneticut. What do you think?

I think you're white.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm a vampire or something! Heh heh! Wouldn't that be something, Dick! Heh heh! A vampire for a president!

Again, that's not him.

Don't mess with Transylvania!

...

... why are you looking at your watch?

No reason.

Don't make eye contact with me!!!

... Sorry.

I've got a question for you, B.a.D. Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale green moonlight?

Yes. 3 times, actually.

Oh. Would you like some fruit?

Sure, I'd love an orange.

Here you go. Don't mess with this orange!

G.g.B, this is an apple.

...

Why are your eyes welling up with tears?

OK, you found out my dirty little secret.

What secret?

I can't read!

Dude, all you did was confuse an apple with an orange, which, while impressive, is hardly enough evidence for me to determine that you can't read.

Isn't reading defined as selecting fruits from a plate and serving them to friends and guests?

Nope, that's not reading at all. Reading is defined as... well, reading. As in seeing letters, and forming them into words and and understanding what they say.

Oh. I thought that was caligraphy.

Who told you that?

Dick Cheney. How could I not believe him? His adam's apple is the size of a grapefruit!

G.g.B, for the last time... oh, you're talking about the real Dick this time. Yeah, don't you just want to give the real Dick Cheney a swift kick in the sack?

Yeah, but I'll let you in on a secret. He's my boss. I may be president, but he runs the show.

That explains a lot.

But what explains my presidency?

Nothing that I can think of.

How's this interweb site working out for you, anyways?

Good. I've got a pretty good following. About 40 daily e-mails litter my inbox.

What's with the little pink guy? Is he one of them "metrosexuals"?

I am not a metrosexual, despite my clearly brazillian waxed body, thank you very much.

P.c.P, don't! He's gonna...

You're interupting my interview! That was one of them rhetoricalism questions, you idiot! Dick! Send him to Guantanimo!

I knew that was gonna happen.

Fine. Little pink punk can't get married in my country anyways. Me and my republican buddies saw to that! Back to this world wide net stuff, though. Can you say hi to Yochanan for me? I love that guy.

Oh, for the love of...

We're not too close. He posts a lot, but he gives off a really creepy anti-semitic-conspiracy-theory-knob kind of vibe. Kind of like Uncle Leo from Seinfeld.

I love Seinfeld. Did you see the turnip one the other day?

Yeah. I hate turnips though, don't you?

Son, I am not a racist. I am a fan of the red states. I do hate gays though.

I know.

What do you know?! Do you have gaydar?!?!

No...

I am not a closet gay homosexual disguised as a homophobe, if that's what you we're thinking!

... that's not what I was thinking...

Remember, don't think twice. Or for too long on a single shot.

Right. This interview kind of seems to have gotten off-track anyways, so why don't we just close it out?

OK, but since you've been nice enough to give me a real job on your site son, let me close out this interview by earning my keep.

OK.

Don't mess with B.a.D Live Journal!

Thanks for coming. We're all dumber for having read this.

P.c.P, do you wanna say goodbye...?

... P.c.P?

I told you, he's going to Guantanimo Bay!

But how did you... that's just a photo of...

I told you, don't think for too long!

Well... whatever. It'd be too confusing having more than one guest star on at a time anyways, and he has been a mouthy little bugger to me for the last little while.

I told you, don't mess with G.g.B!