B.a.Dops: The X-Mas Factor (Part 1 Of 3)

* Begin Scene *


* Fade into the B.a.Dcave. Mizzle, OziStyle, and B-Rush are sitting at the kitchen table, OziStyle has an accountants hat on and is punching in numbers on an adding machine. *

… so Mizzle, in calculating your “naughty / nice ratio” before Christmas, 43,126 instances of being naughty against 3 instances of being nice, is… well, it’s bad.

Damn rookies. I need to you HELP me here!

Hey, this isn’t easy. So far this year, you’ve kicked people in the groin, tazered people, you used a lot of fag jokes on P.c.P, laughed and did nothing to help him when Jack Bauer shot him in the ass, then made a joke about him at his funeral no less, and you also nuked Arkensas to destroy Wal-Mart headquarters, thus killing millions of backward hicks and assassinating the President of the United States.

*Points finger at B-Rush. *
ATTEMPTED to assassinate. And really, what IS that? “Attempted assassination”. Do they give a Nobel Prize for ATTEMPTED Chemistry?

Well, I don’t think the fact that he came back as the demonized living dead really gets you off the hook on this one. Look, aren’t there any nice things you’ve done recently that we can write off here?

Uhhhh… oh! I brushed my teeth last night.

Ehhhh… brushing your teeth isn’t naughty or nice, Mizzle, it just… well, it falls more into the category of, well… brushing your teeth. I’m afraid this isn’t looking good. And… you’re punching a cat right now.

I am not! * Looks in his right hand, where he is indeed punching a cat. * Oh my God!!! * Drops cat. * Well… look, you didn’t even deduct all my nice invoices! Look! How about that one? * Points at sheet. *

Uh… yes, well I didn’t think “hitting Adam in balls with lead pipe” really counted as “nice”.

It was nice for Derek! He laughed for like 20 minutes!

* Takes off accountants hat. * It’s over, Miz. I know a lot of the things you did we’re for the greater good, but you can’t expect Santa to delve that deeply into your motives. He’s got a lot of kids to look at. And at face value, you’re somewhere between that freezer lady in Georgia and the Unabomber. Accept it and move on.

But there’s still time before Christmas! Can’t I make up for it?

* Sighs, picks up paper and studies it again quickly… * If you cure cancer and AIDS next week, you would still OWE two presents.

Good God!

The best you can do is start now and try to make up for it next year. Stop doing naughty things and say “I love you”, and... I dunno. Give a lot of hugs or something.

* B.a.D and Katastrophe walk into the room. *

Hey, guys.
What’s goin’ on.

Hi, B.a.D!
* Walks over to B.a.D and gives him a hug. *
I love you, man.

* B.a.D raises an eyebrow. *
Uh… right back atcha, slick.

* Katastrophe raises an eyebrow and looks at OziStyle and B-Rush. *
Uh...
* OziStyle and B-Rush rolls their eyes and put their heads in their hands. *
I’ve opened a door here that I regret.

What’s going on here?

Mizzle thinks he can make up for a year of debauchery 6 days before Christmas.

Well, I may have a way we can at least sizably urinate in that ocean.
* Throws a picture on the table. *

* The rest of the crew stares at the picture on the table for 30 seconds straight, then look at each other… then up at B.a.D. *
… that’s Saddam Hussein.

Thanks, eagle-eye.

I get it! You’re saying I should compare myself to Saddam Hussein in an effort to look better to Santa!

No, I’m saying that we can free an innocent man, and…

You can’t just go helping a bunch of people because they share your dislike of G.g.B. And Saddam Hussein isn’t innocent.

No, he’s not, but THIS man is. This isn’t about G.g.B. The man in this picture, which is the man that the U.S. government has in custody, is not Saddam Hussein. He’s a lookalike.

What?
How do you know this?

Contacts of mine. They said that when the U.S. captured this guy, they wanted to make it look like they had the real thing. They needed a victory in front of the world after their failure to capture Bin Laden. And now he's been sentanced to death. In a month, they take an innocent man back to Iraq to hang him.

This is perfect! We can free an innocent man from the U.S.! That’s sure to get me on the “nice” list!

This is stupid. How do you think we’re going to get the most wanted man in the world out of a top security prison?

Second of all, Mizzle, even if we do succeed, you’ll still not make it onto the nice list unless… * Looks at OziStyle’s adding machine tape. * you rebuild New Orleans, and cure all the SARS in Asia.

* Mizzle hangs his head. *

That’s where the second part of the plan comes in. I don’t know if you guys realized, but we’re not exactly the most liked people in the world. The way the media and G.g.B is spinning us, we look evil. So we can’t just get this guy out of prison, they’ll just cover up the fact that he was an imposter and we look like evil bigger a-holes. We can’t just free this guy, we have to bring in the real Saddam Hussein. So someone needs to go to Iraq and bring the real guy in while two of us free the innocent guy. Mizzle is going to go it alone and brings in the real Hussein while Katastrophe and I do our thing and get the lookalike out. OziStyle and B-Rush, you’re still new so you're staying to co-ordinate the operation from here. If Mizzle brings in the lookalike and brings Christmas to Iraq, then that’s gotta be worth some Santa points, right?

* Looks at receipt tape again. *
Still not enough.

* Looks at Mizzle. *
Man, did you rape Santa’s mom this year? How can that not be enough?

Fuck beans! What else do I need to do?!?!?!

* Still studying receipt tape... *
If we’re going to go with this plan, then not only does he need to find the real Saddam Hussein, he also needs to bring Christmas to Iraq while he’s there.

Sounds great. We get to expose one of G.g.B’s lies, bring in the real world’s most dangerous man, Mizzle brings Christmas to Iraq, and maybe the world will realize we’re not such bad people and that all we fight for is the truth. And that might buy us some breathing room and get us some distance from G.g.B chasing us. We leave in an hour. Mizzle, you can take the B.a.Dship.

Wait, WHAT?!?! Christmas to IRAQ?!?! How the hell am I supposed to do that? What am I gonna do, give them some civics books!? “Read this, it’s cracker-jack material. I’ll be back next week, I’ll give you a test, you little fucks.” I could get killed over there.

You’ll be fine, man. You can do this. I might try to find different wording for that last part, though.

B.a.D, as you know, there are lots of things I’m willing to kill for. Vengeance. Jewels. Pastor McNally’s weed-whacker. But there is nothing I’m willing to die for. Especially not Iraq.

Do you want to make the “nice” list so you can get presents or not?

* Fade out to the B.a.Dcrew looking at Mizzle. He sighs... *


* Fade into the front of B.a.D’s car, as he and Katastrophe are driving to the secret underground base where the Saddam look-a-like is being held, and are about an hour away. *

Hey, Do you think Mizzle will be able to do it? Get Saddam and bring Christmas to Iraq, I mean?

Yes.

OK... May I ask why?

You misjudge Mizzle. He’s savvy. He can handle any situation. He’s got some of the best wits I’ve ever seen on anyone.

* Fade out. *


* Fade in to Mizzle, flying in the B.a.Dship over Baghdad, Iraq. He gives a puzzled look at the plane dashboard… *

I wonder what this “E” on the fuel gauge means…

* The plane seizes violently and sputters, alarms sound, and the nose of the plane begins a sharp descent over the downtown of the Iraq city… *

Oh. Snap.


* End Scene *