B.a.Dops: The X-Mas Factor (Part 2 of 3)

* Begin Scene *


* Fade into B.a.D and Katastrophe sneaking into the basement of the bunker where the lookalike is being held. *

So you really think Mizzle was the best choice to send to Iraq?

He needed the Santa points. Besides, you confuse Mizzle’s sensitivity with his sense of humor. When the situation calls for it, he can be subtle. And culturally sensitive. He’ll be fine.

* Fade out. *



* Fade into Mizzle crawling out of the wreckage of the B.a.Dship, which has crashed into a building in the heart of downtown in Baghdad, Iraq. *

This is Iraq?!?! God, what a shithole! The smell!!! The sand!!! The heat!!! This is like East Denver!!! Jesus Christ!!!
* Looks up at the sky, realizing Santa is watching him. *
Uh… I mean, these poor, unfortunate, downtrodden people!!!

* Mizzle notices a bunch of Iraqis outside. Many of them staring at him with angry looks on their faces. *

Uh… don’t worry. I’m Canadian. Death To America, and all that. Imperialist swine. Etcetera, etcetera. Praise Allah.

* Fade out to Mizzle walking away from the wreckage. *



* Fade into the inside of a dark single-person cell block. A guard is down, unconscious, bound, and gagged. *
* Holding her foot. *
Dammit, that hurt my foot. That guy had an iron jaw.

You did kick him AFTER we had already knocked him out.

Yeah, well, I like to be thorough, and I don’t see you giving me credit for that.

Let’s just hurry. We’re not going to be able to stay in here undetected for long.

* B.a.D freezes as another guard walks into the room and looks at him and Katastrophe, stunned. *

Guard: Hey! You can’t be in here!

No, it’s OK, I’m guard Jackson’s wife. He left my smokes in Sadamm’s cell.

Guard: Oh… OK. The code is 33848… and that opens any door in the building. And try to be quiet, I think he’s sleeping.
* Walks off. *

…

… well, that was a freebie.

* Fade out to B.a.D shaking his head and punching in the code on the keypad of the Saddam Lookalike’s cell. *


6 Hours Later…


* Fade into Mizzle walking around a desert in Iraq. He is disheveled and rambling, under the incredibly hot sun. *

All right. I’m cool. I can do this. I’m fine. Whatever life throws at me, I can take it. I will survive... Because I… am a strong… independent… black woman.

* He collapses near a small sandy pond where he sees his reflection. *

… Wait, no… I mean a white twenty-something male… … OH GOD I'M GONNA DIE OUT HERE!!!

* He puts his hands in the dirty, filthy sand water to wash his face. As the water hits his face, he feels something…

… something besides the filthy sand and dirt that he washed his face with. A hair. *

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!! There’s a hair in the dirty filthy sand water that I’m washing my face with!!!

* He sees more hair in the pool and grows curious. *
What the blue hell is this?

* He starts pulling at the hair in the water. *
Well, this is fucking disgusting.

* Eventually an entire beard appears from under the pool, Mizzle’s eyes widen as he pulls out an unconscious man. The man collapses on the ground…

… and as Mizzle looks at him, he realizes the man hiding under the water was Saddam Hussein... *

… well, that was a freebie.

* Fade out to Mizzle dragging Saddam into a sack and throwing it over his shoulder, carrying him across the desert. *


* Fade into B.a.D about to enter the last number on the keypad as his cell lights up. *

Message From:
B-Rush
Mizzle called. He got him. He also said to say to Katastrophe, "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, ha ha ha ha ha ha.".

* B.a.D smiles. He shows the phone to Katastrophe and gives her a thumbs up, happy that he was able to prove to her that Mizzle could do it. *

* Fade into the inside of the Saddam Lookalike’s cell, the door opens and B.a.D and Katastrophe slides in, guns drawn. The Lookalike appears frightened, yet confused. *

Lookalike: I am not Saddam!

It’s all right. We know. We’re here to get you out. I’m B.a.D, this is Katastrophe.

We used to date but now we're just friends.

Lookalike: Like Elaine and Jerry Seinfeld. I understand. Oh, thank goodness. I am sorry, you startled me.

Can we trust this scumbag to not backstab us? He did work for Hussein.

Lookalike: It was the only way they would keep my family alive! I am more than happy to go back to Iraq. My family is there. Towards the end of Saddam’s reign, all us lookalikes quit. Too dangerous. A United States Special Forces team came into my home and captured me.

They just wanted the world to think that Bush had captured the real thing.

Our friend captured the real Saddam. We’re on our way to Iraq too. We’ll take you.

Lookalike: Thanks be to God… wait, what?

We’ll take you to Iraq.

Lookelike: Before that.

They just wanted the world to think that G.g.B had captured the real thing?

Lookalike: After that.

Uh… we’re going to right G.g.B’s wrong?

Lookalike: I do not believe that was even said.

That’s it. We’re putting him back in the cell and leaving him. I can’t take this.

Wait… our friend captured the real Saddam. Was that it?

Lookalike: Yes! That is impossible!

It’s true.

Lookalike: But that cannot be!

But it is.

Lookalike: But it can’t!

It can’t but it is.

Lookalike: It can’t be because it can’t be!

STOP IT OR I'M PUTTING YOU BOTH BACK IN THE FUCKING CELL!!!

* B.a.D shakes his head, turns to the Lookalike. *
Isn’t she impossible? This is what I have to deal with. The yelling, the cursing…

* Lookalike is shaking his head as well. *
Lookalike: She is behaving like an Uday lookalike.

Just tell us why the F that can’t be true!!!

Lookalike: The real Saddam is dead! He was killed in the initial bombing of Iraq!

* B.a.D and Katastrophe look at each other… *
… what? Then how did he…

* B.a.D turns and looks straight ahead, his eyes suddenly going wide, coming to a realization… *

Oh my God…

* Fade out. *


* Fade into the desert in Iraq. Mizzle is still dragging the unconscious Saddam Hussein across the burning desert. *

You know… this was supposed to be a holiday. My time off. Sit back. Relax. Chill with my friends. Try to sleep with OziStyle. But noooooooo… here I am, in the middle of Iraq, dragging your heavy ass across the burning desert… and WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?!?!?!

* He loses it and starts kicking the bag. *

I COULD'VE BEEN DRINKING EGGNOG BY THE FIRE!!!


* Inside the sack, O.s.H (Orange Saddam Hussein) opened his eyes and smiled. *

This is going perfectly…
* he whispered to himself… *

* He felt the kicks entering the sack that this man had stuffed him into, but he felt nothing. He felt no pain. He did not remember what it had been like to feel pain since the day he had died in the initial bombing of Baghdad.

His eyes glowed orange... and he stayed perfectly still inside the sack… just waiting until the rest of his plan could be carried out. *


* End Scene *