B.a.Dops: Wal-Mart - Part Tres

* Begin Scene *


* At the end of Part Dos, we found our hero and his sidekick strapped to the edge of a lightning tower atop a Wal-Mart in Toronto. *

Ughh... you got caught too?

Yeah... I got held up when I got off the plane.

That's great. Just great. I was counting on you to come rescue me.

Well, who told you to B.a.Dradio him when you found Mills? That was me, idiot.

Hey, fuck you. I didn't even want to do this. It's not my fault I'm faster than you.

Was it my fault that you man-whored your way past the homo ticket-taker at the airport, Rim Diesel?

Whatever. You're a jerk, you know that?

P.c.P. We have to time this perfectly, or we are both dead. Here's how this is going to work, I still have my watch on, which is composed primarily of metal. I'm going to toss it past you, towards the control panel. As I throw it past you, you spit on it. Hopefully, lightning will strike it near the control panel, and the lightning tower will be shut off when the control panel is destroyed.

That's stupid. That will never work.

Your face will never work if you don't shut up and do as you're told.

That's it. I quit. I'm tired of you being a jerk all the time. And you never say "please" or "thank you" ever. You have no manners. You are always mean. That's a stupid plan. You always have stupid plans. You're stupid, Wal-Mart sucks, and Mizzle is gay. I hate you!

P.c.P...

I'm very irritated, unhappy and annoyed, I guess would be the central theme of that whole outburst.

I would just love it if you'd shut the fuck up and spit on this. Here it goes!

Whatever! *spit*


* Of course, the plan worked perfectly. Fade out to the blast killing all the guards except Mills, who was watching from below. He used several newborns to shield himself from the explosion. He could not outrun B.a.D and P.c.P, however, and they captured him and tied him up on top of the tower. Fade into him regaining conciousness. *


Mills: Oh, Christ! Where am I?

You're strapped to the top of your own electrical tower. P.c.P is holding a rope that you are tied to. You are going to tell me what I want to know, or he is going to drop you.

It's slipping.

Mills: What do you want??? I'll give you anything!!!

I want answers.

Hello. It's slipping.

I want to know why you are trying to destroy Canada's economy. If you tell me that, P.c.P won't drop you.

Still slipping.

Mills: This is too big for you, B.a.D. You want answers? The head of Wal-Mart. He's in our head office, which is located in Arkensas, right behind the cracker barrel. Now get me down!

Who is the head of the whole thing? Tell me!

It's really slipping. Probably soon.

Mills: You won't intimidate me any further! I told you what you wanted, now let me... OOAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

* The rope slips and Mills falls from the enormous tower. *

What happened?!?!

It slipped!!!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

I told you, dude! I told you!

Oh my God! We killed him, man! We're gonna get locked up!

What's this "we" bullshit? You're the one who was all "let's take him up on the bigass tower thing and put on masks and be vigilantes and cut off people's hands".

We're gonna get gassed, man!

Fuck that, I'll tell them about the B.a.Dcave if you turn me in! I swear I'll tell them about every...

* A sickening thud sound erupts from the ground below as Mills lands. Then P.c.P and I hear a voice from below... *

Owwwwww... what the fuck, hey???"

Mizzle?!?!

He broke Mills' fall!

What are you doing here?!

God... who dropped this Wal-Mart fag on me?

P.c.P did.

What?!?!

Well, you we're holding the rope, man.

You motherf...

You little purple son of a bitch. I showed up here because B.a.D B.a.Dfaxed me from the plane telling me how you whored your way past that flight attendant, so I come down here so that we could kick your ass properly, and now you drop this Wal-Mart lifer on me?

You really did it this time, P.c.P.

Hey, screw you both! I told you I didn't want to come. I told you the rope was slipping. And I told you I thought this whole thing was stupid. And now you have the nerve to blame me for the...

Enough arguing, P.c.P. Mizzle, is he alive or not?

... I feel that I'm being treated unfairly, I guess, would be the main bullet point of that presentation.

He's alive. No thanks to Fagger Vance.

Thank God.


* Fade out to Mizzle and I having a lighthearted conversation with the paramedics after they loaded the vegetable that was Mills into the ambulance. It turned out that even if Mills had been killed, killing a Wal-Mart executive was really just a misdemeanor and a $50 fine. We all had a good laugh about it after they stopped the internal bleeding. P.c.P agreed to pay the fine because he dropped Mills... *
* No I didn't, Mizzle took my wallet. *
* Did not. Fag. *
* Whatever. *
*Stop it. I'm summarizing. Anyways, fade into the three agreeing to go to Arkensas, the home of Wal-Mart, to find the creator and head of all of Wal-Mart. The three friends boarded the next flight out. *
* For the record, I didn't agree to shit. Mizzle covered my mouth with a rag doused with ether. This whole thing was... *
* Shut up. Fag. *
* Whatever! *


* End Scene *





The three amigos are entering the final chapter of our story...

Will their unbelieveably close bond be able to topple the giant that is Wal-Mart?

Close bond, my...

Shut it, Fag! The narrorator is closing.

Stay tuned...


...Or don't, since this whole thing is wee, todd, edd.

What. Ever.