B.a.D S7 Premiere: Ascent (Part 1 Of 3)

* Begin Scene *


* Fade into the dark inside of a large prototype stealth fighter plane. *

* All of a sudden a door opens, two men slide in quickly, then slam the door behind them. They holster their guns and head for the cockpit. They take off their masks and hear banging on the door as they turn on the power and the lights go on. *

Man, oh man, are they mad at us! We better hurry and fly this thing out of here, dude.

Mizzle, you we’re the one who woke up the sleeping guard. I understand taking his gun, but putting his hand in that glass of warm water? That was just overkill.

I just wanted to see if it works. It totally does!

This is one badass ship… it’s as big as a plane but it’s a stealth bomber. Look how nice the inside is. You could put this on MTV Cribs.

* The power to the ship goes on and it started to hover in the bay. The guards back up, their guns all pointed at the ship. B.a.D and Mizzle look out the window at the hundreds of guards with their guns trained on the plane. *

* B.a.D puts his hands down towards the controls but doesn’t touch them… he pauses. *

Ohmygod I don’t know how to fly a plane.

What?!?! When the hell was you gonna tell me that? How the hell was this plan supposed to end?! Am I gonna have to get the other ass cheek pierced with a bullet?

I don’t know! But I’m gonna have to try something here. They’re gonna get us any second.

Don’t worry, they’re harmless! They still wet their pants!

* B.a.D looks over at Mizzle and laughs. B.a.D puts his hands on the controls and takes a deep breath. Fade out to the ship shooting upwards at incredible speeds, knocking all the guards down. The ship spastically flies out into the night, and disappears. *


1 Hour Later…


* Fade into the briefing room at the B.a.Dcave. G.g.B, Yochanan, Katastrophe, and the rest of G.g.B’s staff are all centered around the table. G.g.B is in his wheelchair, still horribly disfigured, talking. *

Tonight, two men in masks found our level 5 classified top secret facility in Seattle, knew the security codes, managed to break in, and stole the new prototype Air Force Zero. That ship was this administrations biggest secret, and not only did they know about it, they now possess a 50 trillion dollar piece of dangerous equipment. Someone tell me how this managed to happen, especially with us finally ready to tighten our strangle-hold on Canada.

Lacky: Is there any chance this could have been terrorists? Iranians? Libyans? North Koreans?

Try the entire Middle East.

* Katastrophe smiled inside. They did not even suspect that… *

Is there any chance this could have been pulled off by the former owners of this cave?

B.a.D and Mizzle…

* “Damn,” she thought. As if noticing the frustration, Bush looked over at her and smiled, a smile from his disfigured face sent chills down Katastrophe’s spine every time, especially since she had seen him arrive at the cave a month ago, disfigured from the Nuclear explosion in Arkansas. Still, as far as she could tell, no one knew how he survived… *

Um… no. No chance at all. As I’ve said before, there was no chance they’d flee to the States, they’d be almost no better off there than here.

Except that they know we wouldn’t tear apart our own country looking for them like we’re going to do with Canada, like we would be doing if all these little attacks weren’t keeping us busy. Sounds like them to me.

* Shaking her head. * Like I told you earlier, my contacts tell me they’re in Portugal.

* Yochanan shot her an immediate look over at Katastrophe and squinted. Katastrophe looked over, smiled nervously, then looked away. He continued to stare at her, but didn’t say anything… “Shit,” she thought. Had she slipped up? Did he know something?

Have we invaded Portugal yet?

Lacky: Uh... no, not yet.

Poop. That’s it. We’re not waiting anymore. Take the troops we have and begin to search through Canada. Arrest anyone who you think knows anything, I know most of these Canadian idiots know who B.a.D is. We’re going to flush him out. We’ll start tomorrow. Meeting dismissed.

* Fade out to everyone got up from the table and left, Katastrophe rushing to find a spot to contact B.a.D and Mizzle and tell them they needed to come up with a plan to get back to Canada and the B.a.Dcave now, before Canada was pillaged and raped by these bastards. She glanced again at Yochanan, who was the only one still seated, he grinned at her, and got up to leave an opposite door. Katastrophe couldn’t worry weather or not she had slipped up, she would just have to watch her back. If all went well, B.a.D and Mizzle would be back soon and she wouldn’t have to worry… even though she could not erase the worry from the back of her mind as she left the room… *


* Fade into a gym in Seattle. *

All right, Miz. Now that we’ve got a ship we can use to our advantage, while we’re down here in Seattle waiting to get the final go-ahead from Katastrophe, I figured we’d practice close-range combat against the guards that will be at the boarder. I got these 3 guys for us to spar with.

Dude, they look like crackheads.

Crackhead #1: The government!!!

You know what real ex-guards cost? Now try this.

* B.a.D shimmies up to Crackhead #1’s side, wrenches his arm behind him, and elbows him in the back of the neck, taking him down and knocking him out. *

Now you.

* Mizzle does a slow, cocky power walk up to Crackhead #2 and winds up, then kicks forward so hard that both feet leave the ground, and lands the hardest shot he possibly can in Crackhead #2’s crotch. Crackhead #2 stands there, stares at the sky, before his eyes roll forward in his head and he collapses forward, holding his groin. *

Dude!!!

What?

That was neither covert, nor sneaky. My guy is knocked out. Yours is on the ground holding his groin, still conscious. That’s not going to work with real guards, you didn’t even sneak up. That kind of shit is going to get you shot in the ass again.

That was you, asshole.

Come on, just try it again, OK?

* Mizzle rolls up to Crackhead #3 with a cocky strut and looks like he is about to try another crotch-kick so Crackhead #3 covers up, which allows Mizzle to stick two fingers into his eyes. While he is covering his eyes in pain, Mizzle backs up, winds up, and lands another crotch kick that sends him flying to the ground. *

OK, uhhhh… that was eerily similar to that… last thing.

You know what? I say we see which one gets up first before we decide whose way is better.

* B.a.D’s phone rings. He picks it up. *

Hello?

Hey there, sugar bear. It’s Kat.

Hey, punkass. How’s the company up there these days? * Puts her on speaker. *

Thank you for asking, dipshit, it's great. No time for jokes, listen up. You’ve been doing good keeping them busy so they won’t tear through Canada, but they’re not waiting anymore. It’s time to throw a plan into motion, and I think I’ve got one, just tell me you got that stealth plane.

The new B.a.Dship? We got it.

Oh. Great. You already named the fucking thing. We all know how much I love it when you do that.

Don’t blame me for your charisma malfunction.

Could you two focus, please?

One of us is.

They’re going to be waiting for you guys to show up together, so one of you needs to create a diversion and be a decoy. Which one of you knows how to fly the ship?

B.a.D here made some spastically retarded movements with the plane that a monkey with downs syndrome and two broken paws could have done that might be affectionately loosely translated as “flying”. At least that’s how it seemed when I was in the bathroom vomiting up stomach lining from motion sickness.

Great. Mizzle, you’re going to head for the border. B.a.D, you’re going to come in the ship.

You’re splitting us up?

Yeah. Oh. I’m sorry. Did you two want to exchange a mixtape so it feels like you’re still “working together”?

Perhaps I do. * Turns to Mizzle. * Do you like Huey Lewis?

No.

Mizzle, you’re going to make it look like you’re trying to cross the border, but you’re going to let them capture you. They’ll bring you back to the B.a.Dcave to question you about B.a.D’s whereabouts, and he’ll come in the plane and I’ll throw down and rescue you before they can do anything to you, and we’ll take the B.a.Dcave back together.

What makes you think they won’t just kill him at the border?

They won’t kill either one of you without trying to get out of him where the other one is. Trust me.

Yeah, and just in case things get a little behind, they won’t get anything out of torturing me. I’m tough as nails. True grit. Fight Club crazy. Vic Mackey brutal. I’ll never crack. * Takes a sip of his water. *

All right, I hate to rush, but…

* She is cut off by Mizzle violently spiting out his water and then wiping at his mouth feverishly. He looks at the label on the bottle of water... *

Montclair?!?! What the blue hell is “Montclair” water?!?! Where the fuck is my Evian?!?!?! * Throws the bottle down and walks off, muttering. *

That doesn’t inspire confidence.

All the more reason to hurry. I mentioned that you we’re in Portugal to Yochanan again, and he looked suspicious. I don’t think he’s onto anything, but he might be soon, so that’s another reason...

Wait. Portugal?

Yes.

You told us that you we’re bluffing that we we’re in South America.

That’s right.

Uh… * Mizzle and B.a.D exchange worried looks. *

What?

Portugal isn’t in South America.

* Katastrophe’s heart jumped. That was why Yochanan had shot her that look… she had slipped up. She cursed herself for the oversight. *

He might be tapping my line. I have to go now. Hurry up. I’ll do my best until you can get here. Good luck, bye.

* She hangs up abruptly. Fade out to B.a.D and Mizzle exchanging distressed but determined looks. *


* Fade into Yochanan taking the earpiece out of his ear, smiling. He knew it. After the meeting, he had tapped her phone. Bush and those other idiots might not realize the difference between Portugal and South America, but he did… *


* End Scene *




Yochanan In On To Katastrophe…

And The Most Dangerous B.a.Dop Ever Is About To Begin…

Can They Take Back The B.a.Dcave Before It’s Too Late?

Stay Tuned…