Ask B.a.D: Dibs

Yeah, I feel like s*it run over twice. I had food poisoning last night. I don't recommend anyone try that particular thing. Extreme Pita, usually so tasteful and delectable... how could you do this to me? Sadly, it'll be a while before I go there again. I love the food there, but man, am I feeling it today.

Oh, hey, thanks for all the comments smoking my wrestling pictures post, you f*cking hacks. Appreciate it. It's comments like that that make it all worthwhile.

You all make me want to wretch.

Ah, I'm just kidding. I think you're swell. You guys are all right!



Q: Is FOX trying to kill Arrested Development? They've almost cancelled it after both seasons. The best show in years, and it gets no promotion, and no praise. Even after like, 5 Emmy's. What's the deal?

A: S*it if I know, man. I would love to know the same thing. AD is one of the best comedies, make that one of the best shows I've seen, ever.

What it seems like, based on the past few years and the decisions that FOX has made to cancel shows, is that they have a pre-determined vision of what they want their hit shows to me, and no amount of ratings or praise for the show will change their mind. See Tidus. See Dark Angel. See FastLane (yeah yeah, it was lame, but lots of people liked it). See Family Guy. See Futurama. And of all those, they've bothered to admit that they've made a mistake once.

In the case of The Simpsons and Famiy Guy, the fact that FOX didn't like them actually worked for them, and for The Simpsons, FOX would never dare pull the trigger on probably the greatest (17 seasons!) TV shows of all time. In the case of Family Guy, they realized the following Family Guy had because of the DVD Box Sets and brought it back, and Family Guy had slammed FOX on their own network a bunch of times. In the case of AD, the fact that FOX swings the axe over their heads does debilitate them but doesn't kill them. If it had the following that The Simpsons had, it would work for them too. And it should have the following that The Simpsons has, it just has no promotion to get it there.

I'm just glad AD made it into a third season, so while it deserves to go on as long as you like, remember we're talking about FOX here. T'aint fair, but 'tis reality. Even the cast said they expected to be cancelled at the end of both seasons thus far. Each cast member probably had dibs called on all the cool stuff and everything. And we all know that if you violate dibs, you are scum. Dibs are sacred.

By the way, when the show does shut down, cancelled or not, I got dibs on Maebe.

Yeah. You heard me.

Dibs.

I'm just kidding. She's still a minor. I'll wait 'till she's 18 and then call dibs. Everybody knows that's the unwritten law of how these things work.

You guys are sick, sick perverts to think that I'd call it before then.

All of you are sick.

Ah, I'm just kidding. I think you're swell. You guys are all right!



Q: When will Ric Flair retire?

A: What is this "retirement" of which you speak?

There is no such concept in wrestling. See Hogan, Hulk. See Foley, Mick. See Austin, Steve. See Sting, um... see Sting. See Goldberg, Bill. See Luger, Lex. See Animal, Road Warrior. See Funk, Terry (about 12 times). See Nash, Kevin. See Michaels, Shawn.

I can't believe I get so many retirement questions in regards to wrestling. When was the last time any of you saw a wrestler retire and stick with it? You guys are morons.

Ah, I'm just kidding. I think you're swell. You're guys are all right!

Anyways, even if wrestlers did retire, Flair would never do it. Not voluntarily. If he has his way, they'll be doing the wrestling version of Weekend At Bernie's with his corpse.

That'll go straight to DVD for sure.

And hey, speaking of Flair, on RAW last Monday I saw him run up to the top rope and get tossed off, as per normal for the last 3 decades. I wonder what move he's been trying to pull off all these years. I bet we're being deprived of a beautiful 720 shining moonsault or something.

Thanks for ruining it for me Carlito, you one-dimensional stereotype with a catchphrase. That's not cool!



Q: That rip on your teachers was kinda harsh. Do you feel bad for putting that up?

A: No, I revel in the misfortune and idiocy of others.

You cow.

Ah, I'm just kidding. I think you're swell. You're all right!



Q: I recently read that David Hasselhoff was the producer of Baywatch. He was the executive producer. Was Ted Danson in charge of Cheers?

A: Baywatch and Cheers? Where the crabcakes did this one come from?

Yes, of course he was in charge.

Also, all those people really are lost on an island, charasmatic doctors named after buildings break the law to save lives while miraculously avoiding lawsuits all the time, and I personally voted for David Palmer myself.

There you go. In one sentance I dropped more pop culture references than The Calgary Sun does on their front page.

Maybe I should start a pop culture website? Oooh, that would be scary.



Q: Sean Waltman (X-Pac) has made an amazing comeback. It seems like he's really trying to pull his career back together, and his matches have been off the hook lately. Did he have injuries that kept him away for so long, or was it just bad career management?

A: In 1997, he had a bad neck injury.

In 2001, he had another one.

In 2004, he had sex with Chyna. On tape. Then sold copies on the internet.

In other words, it's 99% bad career management.



Q: What's the deal with Mizzle? He seems kinda twisted.

A: Upbringing.

Parents.

Etc.



Well, that's my literary load spent. I'm left lying in the arms of a literary hooker, crying my literary eyes out, and consumed with literary self-loathing, literary disgust and literary remorse while a knot of literary guilt forms in my literary stomach while I think of my literary wife sitting at home raising our literary kids without me.

Nice image.

Thank you.

Dibs on Maebe.

No! No! God dammit! I called dibs, you punk! Me!

Dibs.

Ohhhhh, you big purple son of a bitch...

Come on man, she's a minor! That's sick!

So? I'll make her wear a miner's hat. With one of them sexy little lights on it. And cover her in coal.

You're sick!

Ah, I'm just kidding. I think you're swell. You're all right!

B.a.D

E-Mail: ithinkyoureswell_youguysareallright!@hotmail.com