The Roster

What's that? You say you we're promised another Ask B.a.D? Yeeeeah, well, I'm still workin' on it and I lost motivation. It's one of the best ever, but it's a big one and I needed a break. It'll come, probably next week. For now I'm going to make fun of some people who definately deserve it. My teachers.

By the way, it's my birthday. I'd like to thank Double-D for the McDicks yesterday, even though all I did last night was lie on the couch and sweat because of it, and I'd like to thank Mizzle for the Works burger two days ago, even though all I did was lie on the couch and sweat that night because of it. I'd like to thank Andrea for buying me a burger today at 49's, even though all I'm going to do is... you know what? It's just easier to say thanks to everyone who got me something. Tonight we're getting Pizza Delight.

And hey, don't give me that s*it, it's my birthday week, I'll eat however I want. I'll just have to work out twice as hard...

Heather got me a wallet. A nice one. The rest of my presents are coming tonight, so I'll thank everybody in advnace, because I'm sure they're going to be great.

Also thanks for all the e-mails and birthday wishers. Friends and website readers. Very nice of you guys.

What's that? I should be paying attention in class, you say?

Fist yourselves.

3 of my teachers are pending legal retardation status and are just waiting for the papers to arrive in the mail. The other thinks shes Mother Teresa incarnate.


Example A

We'll start with the one who's not retarded, just dillusional.

This woman, who I'll call "Mole Hill" (moutnain out of a mole hill sorta thing), apparently thinks that the laws of time somehow do not apply to her, or at least thinks that we are somehow unaware of how the flow of time places a limit of 24 hours in a day.

The first day of class she mentioned how she had this teaching job at SAIT (full-time), was planning a million-dollar wedding (for free of course), writing cirriculum for another business school, revising a business cirriculum for yet another school (that seems counterproductive), and had her own small business.

She also has a husband and a kid. They must miss her.

I'm thinking she's like Homer Simpson when he crawls in bed at 5:59 AM, and lies there for a few seconds until the alarm goes off at 6 AM.

In short, this is one of those women who claim they never sleep and have a busier life than any of us do, but you can tell from the minute she opens her mouth that she's just talking s*it.


Example B

Judith is our teacher for IMC. Yesterday in class she told us we we're gonna have a vote. We asked her what we'd be voting on. She said "just put your hand up when you're ready."

Yeah, we get the concept of voting, you colorblind slug. We want to know what we're voting on. Then she half-explained that we'd be voting for the group that did the best job on the discussion, and that group would get bonus marks. But we couldn't vote for ourselves.

So we went to do the vote, only really half understanding it. Then when there was one group left, she told us we could vote as many times as we wanted. What?! F*ck asses!! Well then what the f*ck is the point of...!? Why wouldn't we just...?!

Never mind. Forget it. At that point, the class walked out on her anyways. Apparently we're not the ones who need the voting lesson. This is why they have election recounts. People like her.


Example C

Our selling teacher gets a stiffy for the word "roster". He says it at least 10 times each class. He must have come out of the army or something. Everything that we do in class somehow pertains to the roster. Everything in life, from now 'till death apparently pertains to the damn thing. Don't ask me how or why. I just know that it does.

Quote For Today:
"Let's check the roster. Make sure you sign into the roster for bonus points. Let's pass around the roster. Where is the roster now? There's the roster. Everybody sign the roster. I'll need to check that roster. Roster roster roster."
- Rae Verity

Wow, I sure didn't get to do much today, did I?

Quiet, P.c.P! Don't make me make a roster cut! I will take you right off this roster!

Just kidding. I could never take you off the roster. You're an integral part of this roster.

Roster.

I'd continue to joke on Dumbo the Elephant, something perhaps pertaining to his overt pervertidness, but I'm mezmerized thinking about his huge man-paunch-sag.


Example D:

This is the class I'm in right now. Turtle-man's class. He takes our pictures on the first day and puts them up on the screensaver for the rest of the semester. He also shows us pictures of his last semesters, then stares at the screen fondly as if remembering some good times with those classes.

He needs to start taking pills. Let's see what he's doing write now, as I write this.

Staring... staring... saying the case is due today... staring... staring... staring... staring... staring... oh for f*ck's sake, do something! Oh wait, he's saying something! He said that the case is due today! Oh wait, he already said that. Isn't a repeating yourself a sign of failing memory, which is the first sign of dimentia? Isn't a repeating yourself a sign of failing memory, which is the first sign of dimentia? Isn't a repeating yourself a sign of failing memory, which is the first sign of dimentia?

He's the one who I inadvertantly paid to crash my laptop. On the spreadsheets on that CD, Matt had an error, and was trying to get Turtle to help him fix it, and the conversation went exactly like this...

Turtle: Hm, this is odd. I've never seen this before. OK Matt, close the program altogether.

Mizzle: OK. *closes program*

Turtle: OK, open it up again.

Mizzle: OK. *opens program*

Turtle: Ohhhh, I see what's happening now. OK, close it out again, Matt.

Mizzle: OK. *closes program*

Turtle: OK, open it again.

Mizzle: *raises eyebrow* O-o-o-o-o-kay... *opens program*

Turtle: No, Matt, you're doing it wrong. Close the program all the way out.

Mizzle: How many different ways are there to... you know what? Forget it. I got it. Thanks.

Turtle: OK, no problem. Let me know if you need anymore help.

Mizzle: *puts head in hands and weeps softly*

The only hard part about that for me was trying not to laugh at Mizzle, watching him go from slightly skeptical before he asked, to lightly optimistic when he thought Turtle could help, to a humorous mix of amusement and blinding anger when he realized the teacher has no actual knowledge of what he speaks. The facial expressions are something i truly wish I could re-create. I should have grabbed Turtle's camera...


Anyways, that's it for today. I'm off to enjoy presents, pizza, garlic cheese fingers with bacon, The O.C., the new Survivor (gonna give it a chance), and pijamas all night long.

Song For Today:
Fly Away
- Nelly

Have a good day, and don't forget... everything you'll ever do revolves around... the roster.

E-Mail: signtherosterandnobodygetsraped@hotmail.com