No Mercy for RAW

I'll give you guys what I thought of RAW on Monday. It's the easiest way to tell you guys how I feel about the show against TNA lately, which is a question I've gotten lots of. I wrote this while I was watching.

A couple things to keep in mind though. RAW is something that, at least until the quality of the show improves drastically, not something that I will be watching with my full attention. I was going to do homework while I watched it, but I was sick of homework, so I did this. I was also on MSN though. And probably doing a lot of other s*it that had nothing to do with watching this show. Another thing to remember is that since I tune out half the show because it's bulls*it, there's a lot of storylines and situations that I have no knowledge of.

Welcome to hell, ladies and gentleman. I'll be your server for this evening.


Opening Segment

Joey Styles is announcing again, which gets me excited, until I remember what show he's announcing for. Sad, really. Gotta make a living somehow, I guess.

All the wrestlers are in the ring. This segment caught my eye because usually a big annoucnement accompanies a situation like this, but this time Bischoff says he's just got everyone out here because he needs a team of 5 to take on SmackDown's team of 5 at Survivor Series. He says Big Show & Kane are in. HBK's in. Then Carlito says he want's in, but Shelton Benjamin says they don't need him, they need the best athlete on RAW. I couldn't agree more. Bischoff says they can fight it out later. Apparently Edge didn't wrestle his Taboo Tuesday match and totally passed it off to the guy who sucks his "girlfriend's" toes. Makes sense to me. Bischoff is mad at this, and sends Edge to fight Batista in a street fight on SmackDown.

The thing that sucks about this... cross-brand stuff is only special because it doesn't happen a lot. When you make a two-month program about it, you can't expect people to care as much as they did about other cross-brand stuff. It was only cool because it didn't happen a lot.

Oh yeah, and Cade and the fat jobber he's been carrying around as his tag team partner says they got screwed and want a hardcore rematch for the belts tonight. Bischoff said yes, I think. I don't know. I wasn't listening.

"Ain't no pushing me nowwwwwwwwwww" .vs. "I can talk great, but not wrestle. Das not cool"

This could have been interesting because I haven't seen Shelton in a while. I thought maybe they we're gonna let him start a push because he rocks. Especially now since neither of them have the IC belt and holy f*ck what happened to the IC belt? I can't even remember who has it! Ohhhh wait, something's coming. Flair won it. Then forgot about it. Fantastic.

Shelton does a lot of cool s*it in this match, like jumping from the ground straight to the top turnbuckle and smoking the afro with a corkscrew. I'm not kidding, he could probably go toe-to-toe with A.J.

Shelton tries to save this match, but look what he had to work with. Carlito is great on the mic, but average at best on a good day in the ring. I'm sick of seeing him wrestle. Then again, I'm just sick of WWE.

Anycrap, Shelton falls clean to some move that was so ludicrously lame that I can't even remember what it was. Wow, that sucked. I don't buy that Shelton couldn't kick out of that stupid s*it. He's gotta be so depressed. He's probably heading to the back to sniff paint cans in the parking lot. F*ck this show. I'm never watching this s*it again. The one f*cking young guy on this show who can actually wrestle, they f*cking have lose clean to a goofy white f*ck with a goofy white f*cking afro and a goofy f*cking ethnic stereotype with a f*cking catchphrase. F*ck.


A match for guy's whos mom's won't let them buy porn

This was Trish and some random T & A against Victoria and some other random slag. Before the match, diva seach contestant #43207 (Trish's partner, I'm guessing) was all up in Trish's butt or something. I think someone has a crush. I think they already did this storyline a few years ago with Victoria, but damend if I can be bothered to care either way. I think every time they have a Diva search, someone in WWE gets their very own Diva. They certainly seem to hire enough of them for that to be true. But hey, why spend money on some ROH and TNA guys who can actually wrestle when you can hire someone whose most memorable wrestling moment will happen if their tits happen to pop out in a match?

They recapped something from last week in here, with Trish's random T & A girl getting choked, which she can't even do properly. I mean;
1) Clutch at throat
2) Gasp for air
Even Christy could handle that, but she's probably had plenty of practice gagging from her WWE performance evaluations.

I piss-breaked this one. To be honest, Trish is an OK wrsetler, and Victoria is good. But still. They're in there with chicks who had no desire to be wrestlers. Not happening. Somebody won, I don't know who. Trish looks upset with her Diva Search whore though, so I'm guessing they lost.


Rosey "God I miss Jamal" .vs. The Hurriwhaaaaaaaaaaaa... ok, Shane Helms, apparently

The Hurricane is gone??? I am in f*cking disbelief. Apparently he got mad at Rosey for a loss and turfed the whole thing. Now they're feuding. Now this is a storyline with some meat on it! Oy.

I was pretty sure that Helms had forgotten how to wrestle in his 4 years as Hurricane, but he did all right. Not great by any measure. Rosey is always a bit of fun to watch for the short term, but I still jones for the 3 Minute Warning days, then weep when I see what they've reduced him too after firing his partner.

Anywho, nothing memorable here. The only cool point of this came when Helms beat Rosey clean with a crappy shining wizard. And that's funny only because it's CM Punk's only finishing move that's not a top rope version of HHH's finisher, which they would never allow him to use. Still optimistic about your chances in WWE, Punker? Not only did they give away the only finisher you'd be allowed to use in this festering boil of a show, they gave it to a guy who doesn't even do it right. Do you miss Joe? And A.J.? And Aries? And Strong? And Daniels? Do you feel stupid for being the only one of the kickass ROH generation who chose this company to work for at this point in time? My heart bleeds for this man.


Smoking Guns, the next generation .vs. Kane & Big Show

Wow, look at this f*cking dream team right here. I guess you've gotta fit Kane and Fatass on this program somewhere. This Murdoch f*cker that's teaming with Cade is repulsive. It's one thing to be fat and ugly if you can actually wrestle, but this guy can't. His gut is just inexcusible for a wrestler. He looks like the f*cking koolaid man.

Kane and Big Show win with a double chokeslam on Cade through the announce table, because Murdoch is too big and f*cking ugly for even Kane to touch. Joey Styles starts to weep when thinking back to all the cool table spots he used to get to watch. He pretends to be excited, but man does it sound forced.


You Suck .vs. The Crowd

Kurt comes out. This was sad because this is another one of the few guys on this show who can wrestle, and all he does is come out and tell the crowd not to chant "You Suck" for 15 minutes. Literally, 15 minutes. This had little point other than wasting time because they can't go anywhere with it.

Please, WWE, stop this bulls*it. It sucks to watch, and you suck at putting it together. F*cking stop it.


Buff Bagwell, the next generation .vs. Ric Flair for that belt that no one remembers or cares about now

You know, if you're going to repackage Rob Conway with a gimmick used in the 90's, it's better to pick one that didn't fail miserably. Coach made my heart stop momentarily when he mentioned this was for the IC belt, which I haven't see in 2 months, because I realized that they might be giving the second most important title on RAW to Rob f*cking Conway. I take back what I said earlier, forgetting about this belt would be preferable to giving the stepping-stone title on RAW that's been held by Bret, HHH, HBK, The Rock, Steve Austin, and a million other good wrestlers, to this f*cking hetero-phobe.

HHH is out to watch this match, and man does the couch he's sitting on look f*cking comfy. Anywho, Flair was about to beat Conway with the figure-four when HHH came down and tried to straight f*ck him up with a chain. This would have been cool, but they've done this situation for a few weeks now since the feud began. Since this fued is the only thing good going on RAW right now, I'm going to go ahead and say these two can do better.


Backstage garbage that's not wrestling

Bischoff is backstage. Lita comes in and tries to f*ck him, because she's finished with the rest of the locker room for tonight. She wants a crack at him before she moves onto the referees. Actually, she's trying to get Edge out of fighting Batista. She knows that Edge won't come in here and talk, because he might bite his tounge and miss another 6 months of action. Bischoff says no I think. F*ck if I know, I wasn't listening. Notice a pattern?

Oh yeah, and somewhere before this, Angle told Bischoff he was only going back out there if he would censor the "You Suck" chants and if he could handpick the guest referee. Bischoff agrees because he realizes that he's one of the only ones who can wrestle, and he better not piss him off.


John Cena & Shawn Michaels .vs. Kurt Angle & Chris Masters

Michaels gets a good pop. Cena gets a huge pop from half the crowd, the other half boo. Man, it's hard to read WWE fans nowadays. Then the special referee comes out.

Special Referee: Kosovo "I've Jihad it up to here with you" Diavari

King goes on about how it's disrespectful for an American Hero like Kurt to have a turncoat like Diavari on his side. Apparently raping Booker T's wife is OK, though.

Typical tag team match. They beat Michaels down even though Cena is the far more fragile of the two. Then hot tag to Cena, all "hell" breaks loose. Angle goes for a chair, HBK grabs it, Diavari DQ's HBK. Makes sense to me.

They couldn't just end this s*it there, though. Cena came in, beat everybody's ass while they stood still and waited for it, probably. I don't know, I'd given up hope by this point.


Wow, that sucked. The thing is, I can't write about TNA because there's just too much s*it going on in the matches. Their matches rule. I am absoultely glued to the set while TNA is on. And this Saturday I get Joe .vs. Aries. I f*cking salivate for that. And Sunday is their PPV, so you know B.a.D will be a happy fella. And while they fairly need to get the belt the f*ck off Jarrett, it's still far superior. If TNA gets the Monday Night timeslot and any word-of-mouth at all, then they will decimate WWE if they don't do something.

Even SmackDown is probably going to suck now, because now Batista's hurt. Not because he's the best wrestler on the show, but because he's one of the most fun to watch, and all the storylines are built around him because, he's, well, y'know, the champion.

Ahhhhhhh enough of this, this took longer to do than I wanted it to. You get the point. TNA is kicking WWE's ass to anyone who has been exposed to TNA. And until WWE realizes this, they are going to continue to suck.

B.a.D