B.a.D Goes Houseboating

Welcome to my houseboating post. I’ll give you the link to the photo album (click here for photo album) and you can look at them if you would like, before I tell you some of the stories. Doesn’t that sound like fun, kids?

Well, … doesn’t it?!?!

Photo album located here:
http://www.kodakgallery.com/I.jsp?c=828d7na.4ogwu1yu&x=0&y=-o2llhh

Time to go back in time. It’s actually August 22nd while I’m writing this. I wonder what my future self will know that I don't know when he's ready to post this.

I was undecided on weather or not to write one of these during my houseboat trip. But it’s Tuesday, and we leave on Thursday, and for the first time since the beginning of this trip, the weather is crappy. We might just stay here on the beach today, it’s easily the nicest beach we’ve been at so far, and we can always run the motor so we can charge the battery.

And since it’s my Co-Captain Zack’s turn to drive today, if he doesn’t drive, that means he has to drive tomorrow. Which is our last day, except for Thursday, but we have to be back at dock by 11:00. And although that means I will have the nightmare honor of navigating Clusterfuck Marina, it beats having to not navigate for 2 days.

Actually, driving the boat isn’t that bad. Most days it’s completely painless, just grab the laptop and watch a movie, read a book, listen to the Samsung 20G, play the new DS, whatever, all while I drive… but there have been a few occasions where driving has been a tremendous pain in the ass cheeks.

Last night, a driving day for myself, we couldn’t find a beach that wasn’t too crowded to park at. We are supposed to be beached by 6:00 every night, period, end of story. Otherwise they find us on the radio and yell at us. Last night we did not get docked until 8:00 because I couldn’t find beach. Imagine that. A giant 4-arm lake and I can't find a fucking beach. Here’s a conversation I had with the guy on the radio around 7:00.

TBM: Yots Enough (our boat name), this is Three Buoys Marina. Over.
B.a.D: Yots Enough here, go ahead Three Bouys Marina. Over.
TBM: Yots Enough, our GPS shows that you have not beached for the night. Beaching happens at 6:00 at the latest. Over.
B.a.D: Sorry, we’re trying, we can’t find a beach that’s not completely occupied. Over.
TBM: Beaching is supposed to be completed by 6:00 every night. Over.
Zack: Uh… yeah, we know. It looks like this arm of the lake is pretty jam-packed, we’re heading to another arm to try and get some luck. Over.
TBM: What arm of the lake are you currently located on? Over.
B.a.D: I thought you said you had GPS on us. Can’t you tell? Over.
TBM: Our instruments show that you are currently on the Salmonarm arm of the lake, Yots Enough. Over.
B.a.D: Uh… yeah, I know where I am. You asked the question.
Zack: Can you tell if there’s a free spot on a beach anywhere on this arm, Three Buoys Marina? Over.
TBM: Have you seen any? Over.
B.a.D: Uh… again, don’t you have GPS? Over.
TBM: Our current readings show that the nearest free beach is located on the Sicamuse arm of the base, Over.
B.a.D: … Uh… whatever, OK, we’re headed there now. Thank you. Over.
TBM: How long will it take to get there from your current location? Over.
B.a.D: You. Have. A fucking. GPS. You tell us. Over.
TBM: Our records show that you will get there in approximately an hour to go at 3000 RPM’s. Over.
B.a.D: Uh… are you drunk? You just kind of answered your own question there, didn’t you, Skipper? You said it would take an hour. Over.
TBM: That will make it 8:30, Yots Enough. Beaching is supposed to be completed by 6:00 every night, Yots Enough. Over.
B.a.D: * Blood pressure accelerating unhealthily quickly. * Well, I could always drop my imaginary anchor here for the night, or jam this bitch onto the side of one of these rocky mountains if you’d prefer that. Over.
TBM: Yots Enough, please proceed to the Sicaumse arm of the lake and beach there for the night. Our GPS shows you’re about an hour away at 3000 RPM’s. Over.
B.a.D: * high on fumes of stupidity * This is just fucking absurd. Yeah, thanks. You’ve been a great big fucking help. Over.


Let’s set this up. The two captains are myself and Amber’s boyfriend, Zack. Amber was the one that organized the whole trip, so contractually, basically the 3 of us have the responsibility of the boat. Amber I have known for about 5 years now, she’s my jogging buddy, and has always been a really good friend. This trip was the first time I ever met Zack, who is a badass guy.

Driving a houseboat is not something that is easy to learn, and they try to cram it into a half-hour class. Because we’re the two who are responsible for the (somewhat) operation of this boat, Zack and I are ready to attend this thing and ask lots of questions.

However, when Zack, myself, and Amber get to the office, they say that their houseboating class is full. As we exchanged befuddled looks, the nice-looking lady at the desk said that one of the guys down at the boat would be happy to teach us two-on-one. So, as Amber went and checklisted to make sure everything was actually on the boat, Zack and I sat down for our lesson, pleased that we got to go two-on-one with the guy, giving us more opportunity to get this down pat. However, this “lesson” turned out to be watching a 20 minute DVD by ourselves because the houseboat guy had other things to attend to. He did, however, tell us that we only had 15 minutes to watch it because he needed to get the DVD to another boat if they wanted all the boats to leave the marina on time.

An already-short 30 minute class that is supposed to teach you everything about what turned out to be very complicated operation of a $100,000 piece of machinery was shortened to a 20 minute DVD which we we’re only allowed to have for 15 minutes. And no opportunity for questions.

The DVD was full of useful little tidbits, like “These are the battery meters. They should always be charged. Make sure the charge never goes below 11.5 volts. Get it? Good. Moving on.” Nothing about how to charge them, how to keep them charged, how to make sure the charge doesn’t get low, and what to do if it does. That was the extent of it as far as the power goes. The rest of the DVD followed that completely useless suit.

Afterwards…
Houseboat Guy: Do you understand everything?
B.a.D: Good God, no.
Zack: I’m scared.
Houseboat Guy: Ha! Well, what’s the worst that could happen?
B.a.D: We could crash the boat and kill everyone on board, and possibly others.
Houseboat Guy: Ha! Great. You leave the dock in an hour.
B.a.D: How do we leave the dock?
Houseboat Guy: Ha! Have a great week, guys!
Zack: I’m scared.
* Amber comes back from the upper deck. *
Amber: How was it, guys? Ready to go?
B.a.D: Yeah, we uh… just have to check one thing before we go.
* B.a.D and Zack go to check the waivers on their insurance policies. *

When we we’re surveying the boat trying to teach ourselves about it, we we’re on the back deck. We we’re trying to figure out how to lower the plank onto the dock when Zack leaned on the ladder, before the ladder unclasped from the deck and he went sailing into the drink. Within our first 5 minutes on the boat. While we we’re still docked. Our first good sign.

And driving this thing is like navigating a blimp down an LA freeway. The controls are not very responsive, and are delayed as fuck. It’s basically “Hey, there’s a chance we might hit that houseboat up there in about 20 minutes, I better turn the wheel.” Then it starts a turn so subtle and slow that it is completely invisible to human eyes. Then I go downstairs to see if my cell is operational so I can make sure my will is in order, then Zack goes up and the boat hasn’t turned yet and he doesn’t know that I’ve already started a turn, so Zack goes. “Holy shit, there’s a chance we might hit that houseboat up there in about 19 minutes, I better turn the wheel.” So he turns it, now we’ve got twice the turn going because there is no neutral position on the steering wheel like on a car, because there really is no neutral when you’re on the water, because of waves, wind, etc. So now we’ve turned twice. Now we’re heading for another houseboat, so I go upstairs 10 minutes later now we’re 2 minutes from hitting another boat. I scream “We’re all gonna die!” and jam on the wheel and shut down the engines, and we twirl about on the water like a pinwheel and look like idiots to every other boat on the river.

Beaching is tricky too. You have to head into the beach at “an 80 degree angle (that’s right, not 90 degrees, 80 degrees) to the left”, and unfortunately, I didn’t bring my protractor on the trip, and with an unresponsive steering wheel, that’s a pretty tall fucking order. Make sure the beach isn’t rocky, get a bunch of drunken degenerates on your boat to hammer stakes into the ground at a 40 (not 45, 40) degree angle on the beach and tie up a rope. Try getting a really drunk guy who has been eating beans 3 meals a day to pound a stake in with a sledgehammer and tie a knot he’s never heard of.

I’m making this trip sound like a pain in the ass, which it wasn’t. I actually had a complete friggin’ blast, and before long, all the problems just turned into funny stories. I had a blast captaining with Zack, and everyone else was a treat. Amber picked a good group of people. I got to have lots of fun with everyone, we played football and Frisbee, chilled in the hot tub, hiked on a couple beaches, watched a lot of movies and the complete first season of Prison Break (not bad after all) and swam in the lake. We jumped off the top of the boat and went down the wicked water slide we had (which was about the only thing we knew how to operate properly).

I was also able to dine on chunky peanut butter spread on plain white bread every single morning, eat chips and dip for dinner, Chewy Double Chocolate Chips Ahoy for desert, and I believe I actually made a hot dog one day, if memory serves.

I also had some nice time to myself. The boat was pretty big even with 12 people on it, but when you add the upper deck and the rooms, it was spread out nicely. I started reading “Da Vinci Code”, listened to lots of music, played my DS, watched some movies, and just chilled out. Oh, and I drank. I drank a lot. I believe my liver is now pickled.

So to Amber, Zack, Dan, Geoff, Aaron, Jade, Brett, Marcus, Jordan, Phedra, and Shannon, thanks for the trip. It was awesome.

Captain B.a.D

Mizzle Sez:
I wanted to be the first to say... that I think the white skin red headed kid who is naked in the water... reminds me of the greased up def guy from Family Guy. He just seems so clueless or something. Haha, funny stuff.

Too bad I couldn't attend this one B.a.D, it might have been 10x more fun, but sometimes I'm best in small doses.

Glad you made it back though. Not to many VD's I hear... bet your doctor was happy about that...

Mizzle