The following is not a work of fiction. It is fact. So today we put up our Christmas tree... I was allowed to be included this year, unlike last year, when I went to work and Evil Grinch Lady (hereafter referred to as E.G.L. for short) decided that I "probably wouldn't want to help", and I was crushed. I was quick to inform her that this year, however, that "letting" me help with the tree decorating this year would not be a quick fix from the emotional anguish I suffered from last year. I told her that it was trying to put a band-aid on a year-old cut. It doesn't work. It gets infected and crusty, fills with puss, and scars over.
E.G.L. informed us this year that she hadn't brought "all" of the ornaments out. Upon further investigation, H-Diddy found that most of the ornaments we're our ornaments that we're given to us as gifts, and ones that we made for her as children. One of them was this cute little Oscar The Grouch ornament that I made in either Kindegarden or Grade 1, a little green puff ball with googly eyes stuffed into a film canister. Quite possibly the greatest ornament ever conceived by man (or at least, by me). Can you believe it? An ornament that I made her, in my early B.A.D years, she tosses aside like a $3 hooker. Unlike the cut that I suffered from last year, this was more like a gunshot wound. If not for our efforts, E.G.L. surely would have succeeded in her attempts to keep Oscar and our other various sentimentally-valued ornaments off the Douglas tree, and Christmas would have surely been ruined.
Also in her quest to make the tree "trendy and pretty" (rather than heartwarming and satisfying), E.G.L. has this new "Victorian Tinsel" (hereafter referred to as "Fansel", my name for fake tinsel), which resembles something along the lines of some pipe cleaners spray painted silver. She has always had a problem with Tinsel, and had always demanded that it be "placed delicately", whereas the rest of us prefer to "throw and go". The Fansel is hung like ornaments. Looks horrible. Looks un-traditional. Looks un-happy. Looks un-Douglas.
Anycrap, long story short, E.G.L.'s attempts to ruin Christmas we're thwarted by the Douglas children. However, if you think about it, everybody is a winner. A "trendy and pretty" tree would not be the same as a Douglas tree, and it would might be pretty on the outside, but it would have left her feeling soulless and empty on the inside. So if you think about it, we kind of saved her.
Don't worry about the Fansel, we'll be getting some real tinsel soon enough. Also, special props to H-Diddy for finding Oscar. He's a bit damaged, but we fixed him up with some glue. His condition has been upgraded from forgotten and unloved to stable and frisky, and he'll be on the tree by tomorrow once the glue sets.
B.A.D
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3 comments:
Blair: I bet your Mom does more than the rest of your Family combined to make you home as Christmasee and Festive as possible. I bet she also does a lot to decorate your basement lair and those children ornaments mean as much or more to her than they do to you. I think you are very lucky because you would not have turned out to be the great guy you are if not for your Dearest Mommsie. Besides all of that, I bet your Family is still hoping to get back that Video Tape of your acting debut when your Star was born as Santa in the Grade 1 Play. HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!
Interesting that the E.G.L. is the only one who has beautifully wrapped gifts under the tree for every family member. Not any of these 'throw in a bag' wrapping jobs either...we're (we are) talking paper, ribbon, bows...outstanding! If only the children were (NOT we're)this organized and on the ball.
B.A.D has had all his xmas shopping done since the beginning of september, yes? i'd call that prepared... and he's right, gift wrapping is a waste of time and money... just like cards.
put em in a nice bag and send an e-card, kyahahahahha
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