Saturday Night *Beep*er

Ah, B2B Selling. The perfect time to write about my Saturday, due to the fact that the Motley Crue tickets that I'm watching and want to resell on E-Bay don't close for another hour.

9:30 PM
Plan A: Paige's Global Birthday Summit

Got to work with Alison for 8 hours, then after work, we changed and mosied on over to The King's Head for Paige's Birthday. Now, Paige's impressive intake not only can't stop her from absolutely wrecking this dive, but she's also invited half the world. (Hence the "Global Summit" subtitle, dunce.)

Ali and I didn't really know anybody, that's actually why we went together. Ryan and Jaibe we're there, but they had brought their own people to hang with, so me and Ali sat and chilled with Paige's parents and a few other strangers, and it turns out her parents have made game with, like, every bartender in this place, and also have some wicked emberassing stories about their children, whlie 5 feet away their son Ryan, was salsa dancing with like... the entire female race. Pee-eye-em-pee!

Jaibe got into BA at SAIT, so I told him we we're going to do a shot to celebrate, which along with a Smirnoff, was my only drink intake for the night. I told the bartender to give me one prarie fire for Jaibe, and one of whatever he wanted to make me, as long as it's not spicy. And make sure I know which is which. So Jaibe takes the prarie fire, and, like... doesn't even flinch. He should have at least sold it a little bit for my benefit, I think. I love spicy food, but spicy drinks piss me off for some reason. I get a tad hostile after drinking them, which is why I never do. I'm talking "Hey, get away from my garbage cans, you and your fancy truck" hostile.

Ali and I made our way around, checking everything out, and eventually some of the white trash that inhabited this place started stripping, and Ali was leaving soon, so I called up Dan, who earlier had said that he and Jeff might show up, and I knew that there's nothing they love more than white trash strippers. (Except for the movie Beaches, they love that s*it!) I giggle as he doesn't answer his cell, as this furter solidifies my theory that every Saturday night he and Jeff dress up like Archie and Edith Bunker and tickle fight. Until they pee. On each other. But then I remembered that there was a Saturday evening history channel documentary on the menstrual cycle, and figured that they we're probably glued to that. Although, maybe if it was white trash guys stripping, they'd show up...

10:45 PM
Plan A.5: 50 year old sugar daddies in leather... that's my cue, goddammit.

After an hour and a bit, a couple things thrown at white trash strippers (one of them who I'm pretty sure I went to high school with) and other assorted shenannigans, a man who could not have been under 50 showed up with leather pants, a leather jacket, and i'm pretty sure a leather shirt. It was so painfully obvious that he was this girl's sugar daddy when the girl is no more than 24 years old and he's got a camera around his neck like it's her high school graduation.

Anycrap, we coincidentally decided it was time to leave. Ali generously invites me to her soccer team's (The Rocket Lawn-Chairs, now that's a team name) victory party, but I decline due to the fact that I'd know even less people than I did at Paige's shaker.

So after some chilling in her car and eating 7-11 hot dogs, we go our separate ways. Got a voicemail from my old buddy Jon earlier in the evening, who had said that he was going to be attending an Ozzy memorabilia auction at some hole downtown, and that I should come check it out. I pick up Baby-C and she joins me, then I return Jon's call and he tells me the auction is the s*its anyways, and almost nobody's there. So although my hopes of starting a bidding war with some lame-ass Nu-metal Ozzfest reject are temporarily dashed, we waste no time in trying to figure out a plan B.

We are rolling down MacLeod Trail with The Game in my stereo (if you don't know who that is, slap yourself), and I receive a phone call from another buddy, who is wasted, telling me he's sorry that he called me when wasted the night before. I have good friends.

Song Of The Day: The Game- We Ain't (feat. Eminem)

Quote Of The Day: "Like, ohmygod, B.a.D likes rap?!?!"
- Brittaney

11:15
Plan B: Dick Tracy & Brittaney Spears, move over.

Dan returns my call and tells us that he's at BP's, and that we should come and join him. So we go and find him with Jeff, and Rich, surprisingly, and a couple of their buddies. Dan is wearing a hat that looks like something that either Dick Tracy or Brittaney Spears might wear, with a f*cking feather in the side of it, and Jeff is wearing, like... the most incredibly homosexual Hawiian shirt I've ever seen, made worse by the fact that Baby-C said she had seen the shirt for sale at Wal-Mart. And then he the nerve to make fun of my white track pants. I responded by telling Jeff that I actually was thinking about returning them, and using the money to go buy, like... eight of his shirts.

Painful high school memories we're reminisced, old-school 6th season (the best season) Simpson's episodes are remembered, video game conquests are bragged about because, yes, we are that cool, and I somehow ended up in an arm-wrestling match with Hawiianshirt. Now, those of you around me know that I've been lifting hard for about 6 months, 5 days a week... you can see the change in my arm, and I take it quite seriously. And Hawiianshirt is like... 100 pounds, soaking wet and holding a brick. So we get into it, and after no less than at least 4 minutes of us trying to muscle each other down, with at least 30 people watching us, he beats me and I am shocked. Beaten by a guy in a Hawiian shirt. That'll make a lesser man bulemic. I had forgotten to factor into the equation the fact that he's been lifting barbeques and fire pits at Home Depot for the last year into the equation, so he's actually built up an impressive power base, so good on him.

Anyways, more hilarious conversation ensues, and Baby-C is laughing her ass off because it's basically just everybody heeling the s*it out of everybody else. Anyways, after about an hour and a half they decide it's time to leave because people need kicking, things need knocking over, and they are drunk into the pavement. Baby-C gives a yawn that reminds me of HHH doing the water thing, and I drive her home listening to more rap while we complain about the nimrods and lifers at work. We have an uncanny knack for that kinda stuff.

12:45 PM
Epilogue: Colin Farrel = super slick or just a dick?

I make it home in time to see Colin Farrel seduce Lindsay Lohan in an SNL sketch. Life is good.