Choke A Bitch

So my store has been allowing some people to administer flu shots. Now let me state for the record that in the years that I've been at this store, there has not been a nurse handling this thing that I didn't like. Until this year. And even this year, all the nurses but one are very, very nice and considerate. It just happens that the one person who isn't happens to be in charge.

So the last two nights, I'm in charge of Ops Office, and this whore, for some reason, thought that we could take care of all the scummy little parts of her job that she didn't want to do, in addition to our own jobs.

What follows is the set of conversations I had with this invididual, in chronological order.


Chapter 1: Put The Bitch On Ice (5:00 PM)

Flu Shot Lady: Do you know where they're keeping the ice for our icepacks?
B.a.D: Not offhand, but the produce manager does. Let me page him.
* I page, and page, and page... but no response from produce manager. *
Flu Shot Lady: Has he not called back?
B.a.D: Nope. I'll let you know when he does.
* She goes away. She comes back about 2 minutes later. *
Flu Shot Lady: Has he called back?
B.a.D: No. He might be in an interview or meeting or something. Like I said, I'll let you know when he calls.
* Flu Shot Lady walks away without a word. Flu Shot Lady then returns in 5 minutes. *
Flu Shot Lady: OK, I can't wait anymore. Do you know where they're keeping them?
B.a.D: Nope, not a clue. If I knew that, I would've just told you where they we're, as opposed to making you wait until I contacted the produce manager.
Flu Shot Lady: Well, I need those icepacks.
B.a.D: Well, the only guy who knows where they are isn't here, so I can't help you.
Flu Shot Lady: Well, you can go look for them then.
* B.a.D turns a lovely shady of green. *
B.a.D: Nope, I've got my own stuff to do, so you or one of yours can go grab them.
Flu Shot Lady: But we don't know where they are.
B.a.D: Neither do I, remember? And they're icepacks, so logic suggests they'll be in a freezer, so I'd start there. We have 4, all in the warehouse. I've got paperwork, see ya.
* Flu Shot Lady turns around and leaves in a huff. *


Chapter 2: Put The Bitch In A Dumpster (6:15)
Flu Shot Whore: The garbages up there are really piling up.
B.a.D: Well, unfortunately our janitor went home half an hour ago, but there's a dumpster bailer in the back where you can throw them.
Flu Shot Whore: Well, we need someone to do that for us.
B.a.D: Why?
Flu Shot Whore: We're busy.
B.a.D: You can ask the front end people to spare you a service clerk if you want, but it's pretty busy out there.
* Flu Shot Whore goes and asks Eryn if she can have one, but like I told her, we're busy, so she gets turned down. She walks back over to me. *
Flu Shot Whore: Can't someone else do it?
B.a.D: Yeah, you could. You did make the mess, after all. I'm sure as hell not going to do it, if that's what you're asking.
Flu Shot Whore: I'm not going to do it. I'm a nurse, not a janitor.
B.a.D: Right, and I'm Ops Office, not a janitor either. The janitor is gone for the day, remember? I'm sure you can spare five minutes to take out some garbage.
* Flu Shot Whore storms off. *
B.a.D: What a stupid bitch.


Chapter 3: How Many Nurses Does It Take To Screw In A Lightbulb? (7:00)
Flu Shot Stupid Bitch: There's a lightbulb burnt out upstairs.
B.a.D: Cool.
Flu Shot Stupid Bitch: Well, we need someone to fix it.
B.a.D: Me Ops Office. Janitors gone. Remember? Long time ago now. Be in tomorrow. Fix then.
Flu Shot Stupid Bitch: But it's too dark up there to do shots now.
B.a.D: Um, there's like... 40 lights up there. You're telling me that one being burnt out has made it too dark? Besides, you're only open for another half-hour, and by the time you get here tomorrow, the janitor will have fixed it.
Flu Shot Stupid Bitch: Look, we just want it fixed now, all right?
* B.a.D turns a lovely shade of purple. *
B.a.D: Me Ops Office. Janitor gone. Remember? Long time ago now. Be in tomorrow. Fix then.
Flu Shot Stupid Bitch: Isn't there anyone else that could do it?
* B.a.D turns a not-so-lovely shade of green. *
B.a.D: Yes. You could. I'm sure not going to, if that's what you're asking. I've got my own stuff to do, and really, how many nurses does it take to screw in a f*cking lightbulb?
* My co-worker Brittaney busts out in laughter. I feel proud of myself. Flu Shot Stupid Bitch glares, then leaves. *
B.a.D: Is B.a.D gonna have to choke a bitch?
* Brittaney busts out in laughter again. *


Chapter 4: How Many Cell Phone Chargers Does It Take To Charge 3 Cell Phones? (9:15 PM)
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: Can we store our cell phones in your photo lab?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Sure, come on in.
* Choke-A-Bitch-ee walks into photo lab, puts cell phones down on counter, and looks confused. *
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: How am I supposed to charge these?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Um... with chargers?
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: Do you guys have chargers?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: For those specific phones? No.
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: Oh... so how I am supposed to charge these?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Um... you're not, I guess. You would need chargers for that sort of thing.
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: And you don't have any?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: ... no. They're your guys' phones, you must have chargers somewhere.
* Choke-A-Bitch-ee leaves and comes back in 20 minutes with a charger. *
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: I found a charger.
Choke-A-Bitch-er: My world is at peace now.
* Choke-A-Bitch-ee brings the charger into the lab, plugs the charger in, and looks confused again. *
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: How can I charge all three of them?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Um... you can't. You only have one charger.
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: Can you guys switch the chargers once a phone gets fully charged?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: I could, but we're going home in 40 minutes.
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: Is there going to be anyone here who can do that?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: No.
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: So how am I supposed to charge these 3 phones before morning?
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Take them home and switch the chargers yourself?
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: That's not an option.
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Why not?
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: It's just not.
Choke-A-Bitch-er: O......k.
Choke-A-Bitch-ee: I need these charged fully by morning.
*Blood starts coming out of B.a.D's ears. *
Choke-A-Bitch-er: Boy, you might be legally retarded. You might want to get that looked at. I've got better things to do.


Looking back at this now, it doesn't even do it justice. I'm sure there are lots of you who think I'm making this up, but seriously, I'm not. There are witnesses. How can someone who is a nurse be this stupid? Why not, you ask? Because she's stabbing people for a living. That's not the sort of person I want in charge of taking bodily fluids from me.

B.a.D